It’s All Good

Really – I have just been too damn happy to blog.  It’s a first.  I’ve been too tired to blog, too depressed, too angry, too busy – but I’ve never been too happy to blog.

I was hesitant to blog even this because I almost feel guilty for being so happy.  I feel like I’m getting away with something and will soon discover that smiling this much is illegal. 

I literally have no complaints about my life right now.  Everyone closest to me is healthy and happy.  I’m relatively healthy.  The band sounds great!  I’m in super crazy stupid love with Kerouac.  Teddy adores him.  My money situation is currently comfortable and stable.  And even my work life balance and stress levels have mellowed.  

I’m so deep in my soul satisfied right now that I almost don’t know what to do with myself except to be on guard.   Because it is a fact that no one in an office likes anyone to be happy and I’m fully aware that I could be struck by a flying stapler at any time.

It.is.ALL.good. 

And still there is that little voice… something’s going to mess this up.  This too shall pass.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I had forgotten about this weekend when intending to participate in Nablopomo, so while the daily postings may be a bust, a sincere concentration to this page will still be accomplished – which ultimately was the desired effect for me.

I’ve mentioned there’s someone new in my life, I’ll call him Kerouac to protect him from the embarrassment of being part of my public postings.   And although it’s been a few short weeks, there’s definitely a sense that we’ve been friends for a long time… a level of comfort that makes expression feel easy and free – yet certainly a relationship new enough to still be exciting and scary.  We talked a little bit about the question of when does a relationship move from two people “seeing” eachother to two people “being in a relationship”.  I’m not sure we actually came up with a concrete answer but it feels that we have moved rapidly but almost seamlessly to the latter.  That feels right to me.

Friday night I met Kerouac’s sister – the first time I’ve met a member of his family and I was nervous – but she had a pleasant and casual demeanor that allowed me to relax a little.  I have no idea if she bothered to form an opinion of me in any way, as I’m sure the meeting had far more significance for me than it did for her.  But I had a good time – they are a family with whom I share many of the same interests and taste and so there were easy topics of conversation to cover and the time flew by painlessly.  Plus she has a beautifully demented puppy who’s hard to handle but easy to love.

Saturday I had a road gig - finally a good paying gig but 225 miles away.  Mr. W. and I drove together with easy conversation – played our gig and drove back in the middle in the night rather than take up our host’s offer to stay overnight.   The gig itself was pretty easy – the people were friendly, the food was good, the band played well.  But I doubt I’d do it again.

Finally got home at 4:15 this morning. 

I’ve noticed I used the word “easy” a few times in this post.  This has been a rare weekend when I’ve been constantly busy but have been relaxed the whole time.  I am tired though so I’m gonna cut this short and take a nap so I can be well rested for my monthly gig at Sally O’s.

Til tomorrow, my friends.

Estranged

I had dinner last night with Mr. Wonderful.  We went to one of our old haunts only to find that while the name had stayed the same, everything else was different and not quite right.  Painfully obvious was the metaphor for our relationship. 

We went back home, watched a little tv and then retreated to our corners so we could each pick up the phone and call our significant others (in desperate need for another term, please).

I’ve been seeing someone for a short time now, and it feels good and has promise.  He’s patient with me and we get along comfortably and in a familiar way.  Awkward it is, however, that Mr. W. hasn’t actually, officially, technically moved out.  Although he’s been around once a week or less, his clothes, computer, and many miscellaneous items are still about the apartment.  Wisdom, conventional or otherwise would have me take care of this situation urgently, but I have my reasons far too complicated to post for why I haven’t done so.   In time… in steps…

I moved his clothes out of my bedroom so I could have at least one room that was completely mine.  He understood.  More than I thought he would.  We’ve moved to a new, somewhat chilly, phase of our relationship – for the first time we might be both be resigned to our estrangement.

I feel sad, but cannot summon a tear.

Fall Pix

I always mean to post autumn pix, but then I forget… luckily, step mommy was able to get some photos from our yard…

 

Now… I’m totally annoyed because my wordpress time is 12:36 am even though it is only 7:36 pm for me and now this post is dated for tomorrow and my Nablopomo goal is blown.   Totally screwed by daylight savings.

Pointless Ramblings

Watched Thelma & Louise again yesterday.  I really don’t like that movie at all.  These women were stupid and didn’t appear to even like each other very much.  Plus I saw the movie on regular tv which means that when the rapist impolitely suggests that Louise should perform fellatio on him,  his comment is cleaned up to say  “clean.my.clock”.  The outrage Louise feels about, apparently, this “clock” comment enrages her and she blows him away.  Makes no sense. 

Still registered with e-harmony and although I’ve turned off my profile, I still get emails from gents I was matched up with months ago.  One guy repeatedly emails me even though I’ve told him I’m no longer searching.  He then “closes” our connection because he “doesn’t feel we’re compatible”.   No shit Sherlock, take a hike.

Speaking of internet dating:  Pet peeve – men who post pictures of themselves in tuxedos, obviously on their wedding day with the lovely bride (and possibly the recipient of alimony and child support) clumsily cut out of frame.  If it’s an old picture, you probably don’t look like that anymore anyway – and if it’s a recent picture, how long ago were you married and are you even divorced?  Just, no tuxedos.

Went to the doctors today.  Peed in a cup.  Read a pamphlet that said that “severe vomiting and diarrhea” are emergency warning signs of H1N1.  I think they are emergency warning signs for just about anything.

Pointless, I know.  You were warned.

 

November

Well, another month gone and a new one begins.  Most of you know how I love the First day of anything!  (Well, I probably wouldn’t enjoy the first day of a lengthy prison sentence… and the first day of my cycle isn’t all Jelly Bellies and Moonpies)  But First days for me are always welcome, exciting and have the smell of fresh sheets and hot apple cider. 

The last 4+ months have been trying on your’s truly – although I can’t fairly blame only one thing for causing me so much stress and distress, if I had to, I’d pinpoint the Day Job.  Finding the right work-life balance has continued to be a vexing issue.   And when I’m not at work, I need to find a way to leave it there and not let it plague my thoughts because then I’m no good for anyone, especially myself.  And to my knowledge, this is the only life I have – I don’t want to waste it by being psychologically tied to my cubicle.  But I believe better days are ahead.

A couple of weeks ago I bid adieu to Mr. Match.  He was gracious and expressed regrets – I expected him to be aloof and a “don’t let the door hit ya” kinda guy.   But he was sweet and it was a relatively easy farewell although not painless.   People are not replaceable and he was a unique person for whom I have much respect.  I know I will never see him again and there will pieces of him and our brief “relationship” that I will continue to carry with me.  However, ending it was clearly one of the best decisions I’ve made this year because my stress levels dropped dramatically over the next 2 days.

A continuous bright side the last few months have been the gigs.  They have been great lately – really, really great.  Whether they’ve been Mr. Wonderful’s gigs or my own, being in the band has been such a salvation for me these last few months.  I look forward to them and they continue to exceed my expectations.  I only hope my band has as much affection and respect for me as I do for them.  They are wonderfully patient with me as I chat away nonsensically during the breaks and frequently forget my lyrics.  They are an extremely warm and talented group of guys.

And lately… although I have been hesitant to mention… someone has caught this girl’s fancy.  I’m afraid to jinx it so I’ll just leave it there.  (If only I knew how to access the edit button when speaking.)

I’ve decided to take part in Nablopomo this month and re-focus.  I managed to post everyday last year December on the Heartbreaktown blog and it was a lot of fun.  I’ve not been posting much at all the last few months – I’m gonna see if I can shock myself into high gear!

Welcome November.

No Sexual Favors Were Exchanged

No sooner have I re-entered the blogiverse from the black hole that is my life than my mad skills are recognized by the twisted and brilliant genius behind My Daily List who has awarded me with a Superior Scribbler Award.  Woo Hoo!!!

So I guess there be rules that go along with receiving this prestigious honor and they have been posted below.

First, I must pass this Award to merely 5 fabulous bloggy friends which means this may be the first time I wish I had fewer friends…so in no particular order, the 5 sites I lovingly visit most (besides My Daily List) would be the following:

1. Trailer Park Refugee hosted by the ridiculously entertaining and wise Ms. Daisyfae who’s commenters are almost as entertaining as she is.
2. Max “Bunny” Sparber, an eclectic bon vivant who is one of my dearest friends for over 20 years.
3. Coyote Chronicles , the first blog I ever read and inspired me to start my own.  Mr. Mack is a blood relation but he may or may not wish that to be common knowledge so pretend you don’t know.
4. HollyWynne, my savvy sister of the south.
5. Tiny Cat Pants, the world according to the prolific and universally regarded as brilliant Aunt B.

 

 

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

 

tgif and all that crap

First snowfall last night – isn’t it a little early for that?

This week has been horrendous at work and I have been exhausted and cranky (and when I say “cranky”, I mean a “bitch-on-wheels”.  And when I say a ‘bitch-on-wheels’, I mean something I can’t post.)

But tgif and all that crap – and I have another date with Mr. Match tonight.  Only this time, I’m not looking forward to it.  We don’t see each other during the week and barely even talk so normally I’m really looking forward to seeing him on the weekend.  But this week there’s been a change in me and the more I think about it, the more I realize how vastly different our needs are.  I’m more certain than ever our days are numbered (and I mean in the single digits) but his last text was so sweet and I’m feeling terribly guilty.

The fact is the first week was wonderful!  But not without controversy.  By date 2 we’d had an argument but recovered by date 3.  After 10 days we’d had another confusing conversation that left me apologizing, but I’m not sure why.  And then it’s been a lot of overlooking things and the more I think about it, it’s too early to have to overlook things.   I want the first couple of months, at least, to be amazing!  And yet, although our time together is often lovely and enjoyable, I’m not getting the feeling that things will get better.  We may grow more tolerant of each other but I think that will have more to do with setting our sights a little lower. 

I don’t think I want that right now.

I don’t know… we’ll see how tonight goes…

 

Note:  I will respond to being fabulously awarded the Superior Scribbler Award when I have longer than 10 minutes to post!

No, seriously, are you SURE I can’t marry my band?

I just feel like the luckiest singer!  The band was so great last night that even the inevitable trainwrecks were just too much fun!

I have to cop to being in a foul mood earlier in the day – lack of sleep and a broken dryer with a load of wet clothes were the major contributing factors.  I had been looking forward to the gig earlier, but I worried that my testy disposition would set an unlovely tone for the evening.   Knowing that the tone would be set by me, I took matters into my hands.  “Barkeep!” – (or “Honey” since I can neither pronounce nor spell his actual name) – “a shot of Patron and nachos – in that order please. ”

Instant mood boost and, in my opinion, suddenly I’m transformed into something fabulously aDORable, witty and irresistably charming.  And since no one told me to go fu%& myself – this is my story and I’m stickin’ to it.  (yeah, my standards are high)

Oh sweet alcohol – who knew all this time you held the key to my secret happy place?

I sang my little heart out and danced like an idiot freely and unselfconciously!  My band forceful, dynamic and joyful, I had an amazing time.   There were lots of new faces in the crowd and I will try very, very hard to remember their names (Rose, Frank, Phyllis, Maggie and uh uh uh… shit.)

Anyway…

I’m married to music – but often it is a loveless marriage – we’ve been together so long and have taken eachother for granted.  But last night, the old flame was a raging fire* with the support of my ever gracious, ego-less, infinitely talented band.

Very little sleep last night, but I had my coffee and donut on my way to work because, ya know… breakfast and all that…

*h/t Stan Martin “Hard Life”

Merrimack River

I’ve played this song about 5 times already – I’m not a big Mandy Moore fan at all but if she does more of this, I will be.   Mike Viola is the producer, co-writer and the other singer in this beautiful duet.  Nice fellow.  I’ve met him several times.  They recorded this song at a friend’s house.  I heard it there first and couldn’t wait for the record to come out.

It’s late.  I’ve been reading and listening to music all night.  I can’t sleep but need to.  I have a gig tomorrow night and I need to be in good voice and feel pretty.  Me thinks there’s stuff brewing in my bean.  I hate that.  Stupid bean.